Your life is a series of relationships and the more intentional and conscious you are about the formation and development of them, the more likely you will be to reach your goals.
Now let’s explore the foundations of this concept together.
I’ll pose your questions as best I can and provide the answers I’ve found that most people are seeking.
What is Relationship Intelligence®?
It is taking an intelligent approach to the selection, cultivation, and maintenance of your connections with others. It means weeding out the relationships that take value away from you and building on those that bring you value. Another way to look at it is; Treating Relationships as Assets. You look at your social circle, business circle, family circle and other key connections with an eye toward your Desired Outcomes (goals.) If a relationship contributes to your advancement or enhances your life you preserve it. If it doesn’t then you change it or eliminate it. It is being conscious and intentional about your connections with others. (I’ll be repeating this phrase often.)
Isn’t that kind of mercenary and uncaring?
Not at all. You do it every day. When you see someone who looks angry, dangerous or scary then you avoid them. If you have to deal with them in order to get what you need then you simply manage the interaction carefully and then move on to people you like to be with. I’m simply suggesting that you take that conscious and intentional approach to a higher level and start applying it to all of your relationships.
What is a High-Value Relationship (HVR)?
A High-Value Relationship is one in which both participants receive substantial benefits. This could be mutual support, friendship, business referrals, revenue, sales, intellectual stimulation, spiritual inspiration or any number of other benefits. The key is that YOU consider the effects to be valuable and so does the other person. Each person is fully in charge of their own determination of value.
Does it have to be a business relationship?
Certainly not. A marriage is a High-Value Relationship and so is a teacher-student relationship. As long as both parties gain from it.
Why do I need HVRs?
Because relationships are the essence of your life and the more of them that are HVRs the more you will get what you want from life. If all you do is hang out with people who don’t care about you and who have no joy then your life will stink. Count on it. So, be intentional in choosing whom you invest your energy and time with.
What are the qualities of a HVR?
There are three essential qualities in every high value relationship:
1. Both parties are committed to the success of the relationship (it can’t be one sided),
2. There must be enough trust for the truth to flow freely, and
3. Both of you need to understand what you can expect from the other person. You need clear agreements.
Do relationships have a life expectancy?
Interesting question, yes, relationships have life cycles related to their purpose for existence but many relationships evolve into broader areas and become even more important than originally intended. Likewise, some relationships that started off as vitally important tend to fade over time.
How do I know which relationships to invest in?
You don’t usually. So it is best to be optimistic about all your contacts with others. Who knows, the clerk who serves you today may be the son of the business executive who gives you the opportunity of a lifetime tomorrow. Emerson said, “Everyone in some way is my superior, in that I can learn from him.” A good attitude to hold.
What gives a relationship its value?
Your Desired Outcome determines the value potential of your relationships. If you want to become the Mayor of your city, many relationships suddenly become important to you. If you want a sale, the potential buyer becomes more important to you. And the degree to which you also can be valuable to the buyer or voter will determine whether there is a true relationship or merely a transaction between you.
How can I reasonably treat all my relationships as HVRs?
You can’t. So the starting point is your “Inner Circle.” This is the 5 to 12 people through whom you get your major results at this time. Think about whom you work with most closely and rely upon most. These few people represent your “team.” If they are championship-level people then you have a high capacity for performance. If they don’t possess much talent or skill then your success is currently inhibited. Take a close look at who is in your present Inner Circle and assess what each brings to the party. If you are missing some vital abilities then Go Shopping! Find some people to bring actively into your life and begin to cultivate your relationships with them.
What is a relationship?
Another really good question! You hear a lot of admonitions to build relationships so it is important to define what one is. I believe that a relationship is a direct connection between people in which value is exchanged. The greater the value they exchange the stronger the relationship tends to be. Value could be encouragement, education, purchasing goods or services, support, love, or collaboration. The participants are the ones who determine the value.
Every Relationship is the Seed of Great Potential
One Acorn can produce an Oak that generates millions of Acorns. The same is true of Relationships.
One Relationship can become the genesis of abundant opportunities for you. One Relationship can truly change your life.
The creation of High-Value Relationships is a science and an art that you can learn to master. “Relationship Intelligence ®” is a way of looking at Relationships in the context of your Desired Outcomes. Every relationship that connects directly to an outcome you desire will build momentum for you to achieve it. Every relationship that does not connect to your goal will utilize energy that could have been invested more wisely.
This does not mean that all of your relationships must be goal oriented, but it does mean that the higher the percentage of intentionally formed relationships in your life the greater your chances are for success.
To become more Intelligent about Relationships come with me, and let’s discover where the Acorns of your future are today.
All Relationships Are Assets
In the 1980s I lived in Oklahoma, Tulsa to be exact. My speaking and training business was relatively new and one of my anchor clients was the Oklahoma Bankers Association. They hired me for a total of 27 different presentations over a few years and I wrote a monthly article in their magazine. Ultimately I was hired by the American Bankers Association to be on the faculty of their Executive Development School for new bank presidents. The reason I had this client was Mary Nixon. She was in charge of an OBA Women’s Division meeting at Shangri-La Resort and hired me to deliver the keynote speech.
The speech was very well received and Mary referred me to her colleagues who then hired me for many other speeches and seminars. This, of course, led to my being hired by many individual banks to address their company meetings and conduct training sessions with their executives. In other words, it grew wonderfully and I loved my times with them. The reason Mary knew about me was Joe Willard, the General Agent for Massachusetts Mutual’s Tulsa Agency, my other anchor client (for six years.) Joe had hired me to speak to his agents and word had spread that I did a good job in motivational training.
The reason Joe hired me was Tulsa Junior College. I was conducting a night class for them on Time Management and Goal Setting
and Joe wanted his agents trained to be better goal setters. The reason I was teaching at TJC was the US Junior Chamber of Commerce where I held the position of Senior Program Manager for Individual Development and Leadership Training. I was a speaker and trainer for them who flew around the country delivering leadership training programs. I got that job because Harold Gash, an Arkansas based distributor of Earl Nightingale’s motivational training, had heard me deliver a speech to the Arkansas Jaycees and subsequently another to a political campaign team. Harold believed in me as a speaker. He said, “Jim, you have more potential than any young man I’ve ever known! You should be a speaker.”
Wow! He believed in me far more than I believed in myself at that time. Without his encouragement I wouldn’t have applied for the US Jaycees position.
I met Harold because I had joined a Jaycees chapter and the man who invited me to join was acquainted with Harold. It goes on…and on. So I won’t bore you with the full chain but I hope by now you’ve discovered my point: Relationships Are Assets!!! All relationships are assets.
You know people who know or will meet others who may open doors that will change your life. There are good ones and scary-bad ones out there. But all of your relationships are assets of some sort. It is helpful to remember this as you communicate with others each day. Every little act you do or fail to do adds an impression into the file that constitutes your reputation. And your reputation should be planned in advance and managed intentionally. The more consciously and relentlessly you cultivate each relationship and bring value or joy to those you connect with, the more assets you will be amassing for future opportunities.
Now fast forward with me from the Tulsa days (1975 – 1982) to 1984 when I was living and working in La Jolla, California. One day my phone rang and it was Michael Redwine calling from Brussels, Belgium. His boss was coming to America to interview companies for possible sales and management training for his firm in Europe. I met with his boss, Peter Kutemann, in my La Jolla office and we hit it off very well. That led to me taking six trips to Scotland, England, Brussels, and Monte Carlo to conduct training for Peter’s firm.
One day at Peter’s Brussels office I asked him, how did you hear about me? He said that Michael Redwine’s father in law, who worked for the Press Association in Oklahoma, had once hired me to do a last minute fill-in speech for another speaker and I had impressed him greatly. So they tracked me down in California somehow and called to meet me. I was stunned at the remote chain of events. And then I remembered that Michael’s father in law had learned about me from Mary Nixon’s recommendations through the Oklahoma Bankers Association.
So later as I rode through the streets of Monte Carlo on the back of Peter’s motorcycle and joined his management team for a delicious dinner at an outdoor restaurant along the route of the Monaco Grand Prix with the Mediterranean Sea glistening in the background, I remembered that…All Relationships Are Assets. And you never know where they will lead you.
The Basis of Relationship Intelligence ®
Relationships are Assets
In any setting, relationships are assets, both business and personal. As such, they can and should be created, managed, nurtured, measured, and even discontinued, intentionally and consciously.
It’s All About Who Cares
Business cannot exist in the absence of relationships. The stronger the relationships, the more potential for success in the business. It’s not who you know that counts; rather it’s who is glad that they know you. The more they care-whether the “they” are associates, prospects, customers, vendors-the greater the potential for success.
Relationships Comprise the Business
The business is not the stuff, it is the relationships between the people: It then follows that the business exists whenever and wherever two or more people communicate to achieve the desired outcome. This applies to virtual businesses as well. A “virtual” business may have no brick-and- mortar “home” yet be highly successful. But it must have a relationship network of individuals focusing on a desired outcome. So, focus on the relationships when you want to grow the business.
The Rules of Engagement Depend upon the Desired Outcome
When the purpose of a relationship changes, the expectations and “rules” that apply also change. In that sense, the purpose defines the nature of the relationship, which holds true until the purpose or desired outcome is met. Then that particular relationship ends, or transforms into a new one that is driven by a new purpose. Therefore, the purpose, or desired outcome, gives meaning to the relationships.
The Desired Outcome Defines the Business
All relationships can be evaluated with regard to the desired outcome, which may be as simple and seemingly rules-free as casual friendship or as complex and legally binding as the organization of a federal institution. A marriage contract is one that overlaps broadly between personal and legal aspects of a relationship. The success of a business relationship always refers back to the desired outcome, which might change over time, requiring ongoing re-evaluation.
The Key to Success is the Inner Circle
Any business, including “mom-and-pop” operations, is run by a select few, which we refer to as its “inner circle.” Inner circles, those committed to reaching the desired outcome, are the key to the success of any business. The Relationship Intelligence within the inner circle is of utmost importance, for without an effective inner circle, the business will not succeed. The potential for success of any business can accurately be predicted on the basis of the Relationship Intelligence ® of its inner circle.
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Jim Cathcart is the founder and CEO of Cathcart Institute, Inc. a team of motivational consultants and business coaches based in Southern California. His television shows are seen each week on DailySuccessStream.com, he’s a frequent radio guest around the world and his Relationship Intelligence Blog is read by thousands. He serves on the advisory boards of the Schools of Business at Pepperdine University and California Lutheran University. Jim is the author of fifteen books including two best sellers, Relationship SellingTM, and The Acorn PrincipleTM. In the year 2000 the e-book edition of The Acorn Principle was the #2 national best-seller out of 2,000 titles……Stephen King was number one. For more information and free videos and articles visit http://www.cathcart.com/.